wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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