Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
