Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
