so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
