And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
