I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
