so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
