get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
