I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Ketchup is God's man juice
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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