there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
