So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
