Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
