wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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