no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
