Are you still at the party or did I leave?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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