In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
