I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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