this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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