Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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