you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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