My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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