dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
