1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Your tits are I can't wait for
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need a beard to bite.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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