i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
