Im at strip club and am horny
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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