i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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