I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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