Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
