My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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