i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
