booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The air taste purple.
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