So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
