so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
