I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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