i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
