He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
