My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
