I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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