Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
