Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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