I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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