ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
