at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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