I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
