My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is my gift to your gina
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
