time to smoke my breakfast
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
