We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
