when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
