just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
