i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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