lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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