Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
