hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
