just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
