i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
