The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
