Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
