Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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