the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
