This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
