I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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