For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
